Most of us have come to expect so little from our dating lives and the people we’re meeting (usually) from apps, that anticipating anything more from them than turning up to the date seems unrealistic — and, let’s be honest, even that isn’t a given. But this isn’t true for every modern singleton. In fact, many heterosexual women seem to be making more demands than ever of the men they date, often before they even agree to meet them.
This was encapsulated by a recent viral clip from the Laid Bare podcast(opens in a new tab), hosted by sex and relationship influencer Oloni(opens in a new tab). During the podcast episode, Oloni — who has 212,000 followers on Instagram — reads a WhatsApp exchange between her female friend and a man she was due to go on a first date with. She asks him whether he’d be picking her up or organising an Uber for her, assuming that he would arrange her transport to the date. "I’m not able to do any of those. Get a cab, train or bus for yourself. Will find my way there too," was his reply. 8.4 million people have watched this clip on Twitter and the responses are divided, with some people outraged by the man’s "rude" message and others baffled that anyone would ask for their transport to be organised and paid for on a first date.
Conversations around splitting the bill have been going on for years, with many people arguing(opens in a new tab) that splitting the bill promotes gender equality, by ensuring both people on the date, regardless of gender, have equal autonomy. But now, some women are promoting the idea that having a man cover all of your expenses, including the usual food, drinks, as well as transport and any other costs involved with a date, is not only a reasonable expectation if a man asks you out, with the thought process behind this being that he is the one who has expressed interest in the date, but sets a good standard for a relationship. This coincides with discussions around "high value men" — which is someone who embodies traditional masculine values — one TikToker(opens in a new tab) describes them as "leaders" and "providers," stating that "they are good at being men" and "they want a woman that is good at being a woman." According to the TikToks under the #highvalueman tag, which has over 500 million views, this doesn’t just come down to men being able to financially provide for their partners, but this does play a part in being a "high value man."
What is a 'high value man'?
The "high value man" trope promotes a lot of traditional gender roles — and it isn’t the only trend of its kind. A number of self-described stay-at-home-girlfriends who began documenting their day-to-day life in 2022 went viral for their lifestyle and the ways in which they promoted it. They were widely criticised, compared to "Stepford Wives"(opens in a new tab) and described as anti-feminist. Podcast host Oloni tells Mashable that she believes choosing this lifestyle doesn’t necessarily have to negate feminist ideals: "I think it’s important that women are able to have that choice without other people shouting down at you saying 'what you’re doing is wrong,'" she says. "If you want something a bit more traditional in your relationship, you’re allowed to have that. It doesn’t make you any less of a feminist." This argument essentially comes down to Choice Feminism, which is the belief that as long as a woman has made a decision for herself, no matter what it is, then that is inherently feminist. It’s a branch of feminism that has been widely debated, and issues like this one highlight why it’s so controversial, as it means that choices that aren’t necessarily made in the interest of women’s rights are still considered feminist.
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One TikToker who uses the handle @sistalkswithsahar(opens in a new tab) argues that demanding an all-expenses-paid-date actually makes you more of a feminist, because it’s a way to manipulate the dating structure that is, she says, not designed to benefit women: "You guys have created a dating system whereby you judge women if they’re not married by a certain age but have then given the primary decision of marriage to yourselves," she says in a video(opens in a new tab). "The only reason you’re having a problem with it now is because we’re doing to you what you did to women for ages — you valued us off our looks and our bodies and now we’re valuing you off your ability to provide."
"You valued us off our looks and our bodies and now we’re valuing you off your ability to provide."
32-year-old Sinead says that her outlook on splitting the bill has changed mainly because of men’s past reactions to her offering to do so: "When I first started dating I was more inclined to split the bill or take turns paying for dates but my opinion changed after being admonished by men for doing so on several occasions. Often, they expressed feeling like less of a man by my offer to pay," she explains. A 2022 study(opens in a new tab) of 700 British people by credit card company AquaCard(opens in a new tab) suggests it might not just be women pushing for all-expenses-paid dates, as it found that almost 40 percent of women believe a date should be split evenly compared to only 15 percent of men. Sinead now allows the men she dates to cover the costs involved with a date and her views on dating have changed as a result. "I think it should be assumed that the person who has asked the other party out on a date should arrange transport for the date. I may be old fashioned, but there is an art to dating that seems to be lost to many modern daters."
Of course, this assumption is not a given, especially for people who want a relationship where both partners are on equal terms and where traditional gender roles don’t come into play. Allowing a man to cover costs on a first date promotes this kind of power imbalance from the get-go, and 26-year-old Zoe says this is one of the reasons she would always offer to split the bill. "I always try to split no matter what because I think going on a date is a mutual agreement and especially if it’s a first date, the boy doesn’t owe you anything. I think it also depends on their financial situation but most of the time I don’t feel comfortable not paying my way."
Shall we split the bill?
Meeting someone for the first time means you don’t know what kind of person they are and whether or not they’re going to feel entitled to your time if they buy you dinner or drinks. One reason many women prefer to split the bill is that they worry men would put pressure on them to have sex if they allowed them to cover costs of a date. Although there should never be any pressure or expectations around sex while dating, unfortunately this kind of entitlement is something a lot of men hold onto, which often comes down to ideas around toxic masculinity. Having your transport arranged for you and having no say in where you’re meeting the person you’re dating, which is presumably the case if they’re organising and paying for the date, also poses safety risks, as does sharing your address with someone you’ve never met so they can book you an Uber or pick you up.
One of the reasons some women believe that men should foot the bill and other costs is because, statistically, women still earn less than men on average. "With a gender pay gap of around 15 percent in 2022, the impact of splitting the bill in half can have a significantly higher impact on a woman's bank balance than her male date," says Ellie Austin-Williams, money educator and founder of This Girl Talks Money(opens in a new tab). Research also suggests that the cost of living crisis is hitting women harder than men — a 2022 study by Standard Life(opens in a new tab) found that 31 percent of women are finding their financial situation difficult, compared to just 19 percent of men. "With that backdrop, it's no surprise that women looking to date are more open to men paying for drinks and dinner — dates can be expensive and at a time where cash is tight, any option to take the financial pressure off can be appealing — even if you previously have been set on splitting the bill," Austin-Williams adds.
"For the most part there seems to be an expectation that I will pay, especially on a first date."
Understandably, asking the man you’re dating to pay for your dinner because of the gender pay gap might not go down too well. For a start, you might be earning more than them and many men are still being impacted by the cost of living crisis. "For the most part there seems to be an expectation that I will pay, especially on a first date," says 27-year-old Michael, who is based in south-east London. "I think there’s a hang-up on one person paying, normally the man and I think it comes from a patriarchal lens [...] I’ve been on dates where there was an expectation for me to pay just because, which felt a little weird."
Gender roles and dinner bills
In a 2022 study, the dating app Bumble identified a ‘romance gap’, in which people are expected to behave a certain way while dating because of their gender. 74 percent of men and women surveyed said that when it comes to romantic relationships, there are different expectations based on your gender identity, which meant that 52 percent of people behaved in a way that was less than true to who they are. This is something else to take into account when it comes to all-expenses-paid-dates — do they reflect what you really want from a relationship or is it simply just a test to prove the person you’re dating is committed to you, or even an ego game? Oloni explains that for her friend featured in the podcast, her partner organising and paying for transport is something she expects in a relationship, which is why she was so adamant about setting those standards in the early stages. "The whole point of dating is seeing who can reach our standards as well as make us happy," she says. "I personally wouldn’t [ask a man to pay for transport to a date] but who am I to tell a woman to lower her standards?"
For 23-year-old Syntyche, who lives in London, setting these standards is especially important, because her cultural beliefs mean that she is looking for a partner who can take on the financial responsibility in a relationship. "[The financial setup of the first few dates] sets the standard of what the relationship is going to be like financially," she says. "For me personally and what I believe, I think it should always be a man’s job to lead financially. I’m a Christian so in a biblical sense, a man’s job is to lead the household."
"I personally wouldn’t [ask a man to pay for transport to a date] but who am I to tell a woman to lower her standards?"
Equally, if you’re looking for a relationship in which the costs are split and you both have equal financial autonomy, asking someone to cover the costs of a date might not be important or logical for you. "The tradition of men paying for dates can reinforce gender stereotypes, leading to what social scientists have called benevolent sexism — aka that women need to be looked after by men — sometimes impacting career trajectories later in relationships and setting women back in the fight for gender pay equality," Austin-Williams explains. "If you intend for a man to look after you financially in the long term, you can end up in a financially vulnerable position. If you find yourself in this situation, it's important to consider how to maintain a level of financial independence, whether that's building your own savings pot or ensuring you keep your skills up to date."
Although Sinead allows and expects, to a certain extent, for men to cover the costs of dates, this doesn’t mean she’s unable to do so herself. "It’s important to have the financial means to pay for a date and pay for your own transport home, before agreeing to go," she says.
Dating apps have long been accused of encouraging transactional relationships, so it’s hardly surprising that people are getting on board with it and taking the concept extremely literally. Perhaps it’s an attempt to find some control in the notoriously unruly world of dating and the current economic climate, which is equally if not more unpredictable. But it’s important to remember that small choices can make a big difference, both on a personal level when it comes to setting boundaries around a relationship, and on a wider political level, and allowing a man to cover the costs of a date purely because of his gender might validate his and other people’s ideas around toxic masculinity. Perhaps think twice about that tactical visit to the bathroom after ordering the bill.
