Sitting at the bar after a comedy open mic, a couple of male comics asked me about sex parties. A joke I’d tried on stage about one experience had sparked their curiosities. After the usual questions about participation requirements, gender ratios, and voyeurism etiquette, one guy asked me how consent works at a play party. This led to a broader conversation about consent, and then gender, and then male entitlement.
I was pleasantly surprised by the scene: three straight-seeming cisgender dude-comedians at a bar trading notes about how to make consent sexy on a first date. We compared and contrasted ideas about when to ask for that first kiss and when you can just trust the vibe to lean in, citing the infamous 90-10 rule(opens in a new tab) from Will Smith’s 2005 comedy Hitch.
I should mention that in this piece, I’ll be using ‘man’ as a shorthand for cisgender guys who date women. We’re not the only ones who can be shitty, but the overwhelming amount of shared experiences of women who date dudes makes the problem being discussed and its possible causes seem particularly cis, het/bi, and male.
The measurement for sexual prowess tends to be measured in pussies smashed, not pleasure caused.
When you think about a group of dudes talking to each other about sex, you might imagine tales of conquest while everyone pretends to know how to handle a clitoris. I remember quietly sitting in an NYU dorm room sophomore year hearing a bunch of frat guys add up their ‘sex scores’ based on a variety of rules like how many times you can repeat points with one chick and how many points you get for anal. Never did they mention points for bringing her to orgasm. It all felt icky. Is this how men talk to each other about sex?
What is locker room talk?
The measurement for sexual prowess tends to be measured in pussies smashed, not pleasure caused; women conquered, not women left whole when you leave. Men ask for your body count but not your strategy for figuring out her body. It’s what we all heard happen on that Access Hollywood tape(opens in a new tab) between Billy Bush and Donald Trump. Tens of millions of Americans in 2016 accepted that that’s just how men talk to each other. "It’s just locker room talk," they said (despite countless pro athletes publicly pushing back against the characterization). So what was that all about?
In Cleo Stiller’s book, Modern Manhood(opens in a new tab), she writes about how traditional male friendships are structured by "creating in-groups at the expense of out-groups." The other team, the other guy, the other company, the other gender.
"Friendships between males has often been centered around an external force," says Dan Doty, who runs the men’s support group EVRYMAN(opens in a new tab), in Stiller’s book. “Men build identities based on this external thing, and when that external thing no longer is strong or it shifts or it’s not the same anymore, then we are left kind of hanging.” In lieu of connecting with each other based on who they are, many men jump to the (assumed) shared topic of chicks. It’s the source of any one man in a bar turning to another man and saying, “Women, am I right?”
Make female orgasms part of locker room talk
Comedian Clint Coley(opens in a new tab) doesn’t need his buddies to know about his sex life. The urge to ‘feel cool’ with ‘locker room talk’ is long past him. And since entering his 30s, he doesn’t need to hear his buddies brag to him either. "I got a homeboy who does like to tell me what he has going on. I always tell him, 'Nobody cares.'"
Coley launched his dating podcast Advice from a F*ck Boy(opens in a new tab) in 2019 to help women avoid emotionally immature men. "Sex is taught [to boys] as a selfish sport," he shares. At the same time, many women stress out about satisfying their man in the bedroom. They exchange tips, techniques, and ideas on how to give the best blowjob. Cosmopolitan has been pumping out (both good and laughably bad) sex advice to women for decades. (Editor's note: Mashable has an informative and reliable sex advice series called Come Again, which is well worth your time.) Adult sex ed platforms like Beducated attract mostly women and only the most curious men, per audience figures seen by Mashable.
Meanwhile, "when men are talking to their homeboys about sex, we’re not talking about new ways to please women," says the LA-based podcaster(opens in a new tab). "We’re talking about new ways to get our shit off. It’s not about [their] pleasure; it’s about your own ego." And why not? When ejaculation brags go unchallenged, there isn’t much reason to think you’re doing it wrong.
Do men experience empathy during sex?
There is an empathy gap afoot. And research can’t find(opens in a new tab) a genetic reason for it. "Neurologically we are all born with a very similar ability to empathize, male and female, but our choice to use this ability varies greatly," writes(opens in a new tab) Mimi Nicklin, a thought leader on empathy and author of Softening the Edge. "Observed gender differences are more likely to be…due to cultural expectations of gender roles and the fact that women are more likely to have been ‘taught’ empathy by female role models as they grew up."
How do we teach men to give a shit? For one thing, teaching consent can instill empathy in boys if you get there quick enough. According to a post(opens in a new tab) on Prevent Child Abuse Vermont’s website, "Empathy learning occurs in the same parts of the brain as learning to speak and read." The post goes on to say, "Empathy is being able to stand in another person’s shoes and care about their feelings."
It should feel jarring to have sex with someone if you don’t think they’re having a good time. Alarm bells should go off to try a different technique or to verbally check in. Sadly, efforts to introduce these lessons in schools (e.g. teaching kids to ask permission before hugging the new kid) is often met with pushback(opens in a new tab) from abstinence-only advocates who lob false accusations of "grooming."
To fill the void left by most school districts, young people turn to the internet. But on the same platforms as ConsentTok are influencers teaching boys that they are 'high-value men' entitled to great sex from hot women. For every young man who stumbles upon a sex educator’s TikTok, there’s another who instead finds an Andrew Tate-type preaching misogyny masked as men’s self-improvement. These guys will teach you how to get a woman into bed but they won’t teach you what to do once you get there.
And so often, the tactics to bed a woman turn her into a target instead of a connection. In the course of getting what they want, men can forget that there’s a human being on the other end of their desires.
Talk to your buddies about sex—better
I asked Coley where he learned how to empathize with women. "A woman." Damn. Because I hear women are tired of having to teach us. A friend of mine told me about a recent date-turned-argument with a man where she had to explain male privilege. After an hour, he admitted that he hadn’t thought about it like that before and asked if they could go back to enjoying their wine night. My friend was glad he learned something new. But now she was exhausted.
So maybe dudes can pick up the slack and question each other. Not every problematic utterance has to become a TED Talk, but one could use friendly shame to make their point. Clown on the guy who wants to compare everyone’s body counts at the next hang. "You gotta make it corny" to talk about women as objects, suggests Coley.
"We need a better check and balance system when it comes to talking about women behind their backs."
