Online dating is kind of infuriating. You spend night after night swiping left and right in the hunt for the perfect match.
But, just when you think you've found them, you get "breadcrumbed". And, the internet is precisely where they'll stay.
A trail of flirtatious morsels
So, what exactly is "breadcrumbing"? Just like the name suggests, breadcrumbing is akin to leaving a trail of tiny morsels of bread, except the breadcrumbs are actually flirtatious messages. A breadcrumber will send countless messages on dating apps, whetting their match's appetite and creating a hunger for more. But, they'll never meet you in person.
I've had dalliances with countless internet baes. I've been breadcrumbed. And I'm also guilty of doing the same to others.
Take Justin, for instance. He was smart, witty and dashing. The conversation flowed and he even sent me his grandmother's recipe for iced tea. If our online chat had taken place during a first date, I'd have been angling for a second, third and forth date. Except there never was a date. Then there was Simon. We talked endlessly about our love of travel and the places we'd visited. At the faintest hint of meeting up IRL, my match fled the scene with no explanation.
Time and time again, I've found myself putting in the legwork with potential matches who have no intention of meeting me in person. What am I doing wrong? And why do I sometimes also do this to others with no intention of meeting them IRL?
A serial 'breadcrumber' confesses
Nina Harty -- a flight attendant and self confessed "breadcrumber" -- has been making plenty of pals on dating apps. But when it comes to moving online matches offline, she's not fussed. She thinks breadcrumbing is "pretty normal" these days. "Apps like Tinder and Bumble are not where we meet guys we like," says Harty. "[Chatting with matches] is something to pass the time. You get a little ego boost, flirt a bit," she says. "There's also a certain amount of paranoia that once you've chatted online so much, you're not going to be as chatty in person."
Stylist Vincente Ben finds himself flirting and sexting with guys on the dating app Daddyhunt, and often decides not to take these conversations beyond the online realm.
"Nowadays I would say that people use to apps to feel less lonely in this huge city," says Ben. "Some guys are just looking for a distraction or company. Maybe a little bit of flirtation. Some guys contact me from miles away just to chat. Perhaps they're not brave enough to go to a club and flirt with real men so they use the apps for that," he says.
The experts weigh in
Dating expert Charly Lester says that online dating is a numbers game. "Often it is the harsh reality that they are speaking to a number of people on the app. It's also worth remembering that some people use dating apps purely as a vanity exercise. They they just want to know they are attractive to other people," she explains. If you do find yourself being breadcrumbed, Lester says that you shouldn't take it too personally. She recommends chatting to a range of people and not getting too excited about one person too early on.
Kate Wray, a dating expert and professional matchmaker, has another possible explanation. "They’re shy," she says. "Online is a safe place for the reserved and retiring. Meeting someone for the first time in a bar or a café may be their idea of hell, but online company with a screen to hide behind is a much more comfortable way to interact for some."
Serial 'breadcrumbers' beware
You might be having fun, but keep in mind that someone might be hoping to meet you in person.
And, if you find yourself on the receiving end of breadcrumbing, don't take it too personally -- your match could very well be shy or afraid to meet up in person.
Try not to invest too much until a date IRL has been set. Now, go forth and swipe.
