"To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds," bell hooks(opens in a new tab), the pioneering scholar and writer, once wrote in 2000's All About Love(opens in a new tab). All relationships, she advocated, are worthy of dedication and compassion. When it comes to friendships, this advice endures.
While friendships are the source of inspiration for so much of the TV shows and storytelling we consume, the intricacies of these relationships are often left unexamined in our daily lives. Since the pandemic, however, conversations around friendship seem to have evolved, whether it's unpacking the fallout from friendship breakups, exploring the power of ending toxic friendships, or examining the impact of the cost of living crisis on friendships.
On the other hand, there's been ample discussion about the importance of maintaining friendships(opens in a new tab), even giving some a second chance(opens in a new tab).
These accounts are vital. Friendship is possibly the most universal experience we share with one another and this complex connection deserves guidance. Learning about friendship — by ourselves and alongside others — is a lifelong pursuit.
In writing this piece, I asked people about their own perspectives on the idea of being a friend and having friends. While some encourage tolerance, others share the significance of apologizing and accepting genuine remorse. Many detailed the value of communication. Some spoke of respectfully disagreeing with friends; others expressed the importance of being sincere.
An underlying concept from respondents stood out: friendships deserve softness. Creating room for compassion and growth within friendships may be key, especially in our twenties and as divisiveness heightens. Here, 16 people share nuggets of wisdom when it comes to the friendships we hold.
"We forget our friends, family, and lovers have their own lives outside of the relationship we have with them."
My best friend is a nurse and has crazy hours so to keep up with each other we just send each other long voice notes about our day. I don’t expect to hear back immediately but it’s so fun to wake up to a voice note from her on a random morning. The love doesn’t always have to be constant but it’s always consistent. I think we forget our friends, family, and lovers have their own lives outside of the relationship we have with them. I just want everyone to be considerate of everyone’s time and energy. I also want to go out of my way to make sure I’m giving them love in consideration of how they receive it. I want to be mindful of everyone and have them be mindful of me. All relationships are work! We’re all doing life for the first time. I just always try to be soft in every approach. – Sarah, 30
"Be tolerant."
– Isabel, 27
"People can want very different things from their friendships."
Finding friends is a lot like dating. It can take a while to figure out what works for you in those types of relationships for you and what doesn't. It may seem like the friend category is a one size fits all kind of group, but in reality, people can want very different things from their friendships.
Some people are fine with surface-level connections. They don't want to be told if they doing something wrong, they prefer "yes men," people who agree with them regardless of how wrong they might be. Some people want "fluffers" people who build them up and support them but they might not be as interested in returning the favor. And still, others prefer followers to friends, people they can lead as opposed to those who challenge them. To each his own. But if you are one of the people who craves deep connections, people who challenge you and will tell you (kindly) when you are wrong or when an outfit doesn't look good or how getting back with your ex might actually be a mistake, then you are not going to be happy in surface level friend groups. That is where knowing what you want out of a friendship can save you a lot of time and heartache. so getting real with yourself about what you value in a friendship and want out of life, can help you get very clear on what is going to work for you and what simply won't. Don't be afraid to politely pass on a friendship or friend group, if you feel it won't be a good fit for you. – Bethany(opens in a new tab), 35
"Listen more, speak less."
– Harry, 25
"There's so much light in people."
Humans always forget the good things about each other in an argument. There’s so much light in people, that if the disagreement is small or just a misunderstanding, let it go. – Amrta, 26
"An apology goes a long way."
Sometimes we feel like an apology or repentance for doing something wrong in a friendship is implied, but it’s important to actually say sorry and assure your friend you won’t do anything like this again. I had a friend who really hurt me in a way that felt irreversible and I held on to it for a long time. I knew I wanted to address it instead of burying it and avoiding bringing it up, so I wrote her a long letter telling her how I felt. She read the letter and replied immediately, expressing how sorry she was and how she felt disgusted by her actions. I needed that apology to validate my feelings and to be able to move on. We’re still friends but only because I knew I wanted that acknowledgement. So never underestimate the power of giving one. – Dylan, 29
"Be sincere."
Sincerity in friendship is so vital because as you grow up and things change, gestures of genuine support and affection are what keep people together. As an adult, I can see how much of a significant role those friends that gave me real unfiltered love have in my life versus those who didn’t. Somedays all you need is a best friend that can look you in the eye and tell you the truth – actually that’s most days! – Sophia, 25
"Allow people to be who they are."
Friends change and grow. Always allow people to be who they are, and support them through these various changes. Don't overly judge friends for their choices. It's okay to disagree, but it's not okay to overstep. I've learned to be more forgiving and open-minded with my relationships. – Catherine, 28
"Only give time to those who reciprocate the same energy and commitment to being a friend."
– Rohan, 25
"You are allowed to disagree with people and still remain friends."
Don't put your shit on your friends. You can absolutely reach out for help, but remember that your friends are not mental health professionals. If you are going through a crisis and you are drowning in despair, remember that your friends love you and want to support you as best they can, but they cannot be expected to take on a mental health crisis. On a slightly less intense scale you also cannot expect your friends to keep investing in you if you are constantly taking and never giving back. Healthy friendships are reciprocal. Look inward and figure out if you need outside help so that you can be a better friend.
Stop cancelling people while you're at it as well. Look, we do not need to exist in echo chambers. You are allowed to disagree with people and still remain friends. – Jeni(opens in a new tab), 42
"It's okay to outgrow friendships."
Time means nothing. A friend of five months can treat you better than a friend of five years. It's also okay to outgrow friendships that you thought would have lasted a lifetime. – Riya, 20
"Grace is one of the most precious gifts we can give to ourselves and to others."
I am a people person. I let people in my circle fluidly and freely because I know at our core, all many of us really want is to be seen, loved, respected, and accepted for who we are, as we are - flaws, scars, baggage and all. I love easily, I forgive easily, and I appreciate the ebb and flow that comes with many relationships. Am I a perfect person? Hell to the no, but I also don’t expect anywhere near perfection from anyone else. In fact, I think grace is one of the most precious gifts we can give to ourselves and to others.
One thing I have learned, however, is that sometimes no matter how hard we try, some relationships simply have an expiration date. Recently I went through a friendship breakup. My life is in chaos overload. I am in the final semester of grad school, and I have been battling with a deep depression which has finally started to slip back into the shadows with the arrival of warmer weather. I have been navigating some truly difficult and traumatic family issues while I am working two jobs, an internship, and plowing my way blindly through mom-life in general. It’s no excuse for not being present, but it certainly is a reason why I have not been able to devote myself as fully to friendships as I have in the past. But you know what, sometimes when we’re running on fumes, all we can give is exhaust. It might not be enough to get us anywhere, but it’s all we’ve got left.
When [a breakup] happens there are a few things we need to do to honor its final voyage. Make time and space to grieve. Take accountability for what you could have changed and relieve yourself of guilt for what was beyond your control. Honor the beauty and joy that the relationship brought you while it lasted. Wish the other party nothing but peace, health, and healing.
Not all good things are meant to last, but all good things are meant to be appreciated. – Jilian(opens in a new tab), 33
"Nurture your friendships the way you nurture your relationships."
– Phoebe, 31
"You deserve the same energy you put into something."
There's something I learned from my friendship with my childhood best friend of 18 years: if you’re putting all the effort into the friendship, and aren’t even receiving a crumb of it in return, walk away. I first realised she wasn’t giving me the same energy back a few years ago when another mutual friend of ours became a very close friend of hers. That is when I saw just what she is capable of in terms of reciprocating in a friendship and realised that she’s been giving me absolutely nothing back. I sat down and reevaluated my friendship and realised that I’ve been the only person who has been doing everything to keep this friendship alive. So I spoke to her about it, she cried, and said she’ll make more of an effort. But it was the same old story within two days.
You deserve the same energy you put into something coming back to you. And if they don’t care enough to do that, you don’t need to waste your time trying to salvage something that doesn’t want to be salvaged. – Shivani, 23
"Show up for your friends."
– Sasha, 23
"Communication doesn’t necessarily mean talking at all times."
Communication is important but communication doesn’t necessarily mean talking at all times of all days. I don't see my friend Charlie very often and we don’t really stay in touch but I don’t think you’ll see me smiling more than when we catch up in the pub over a pint and a game of cards. Our forms of communication are different and we understand that.
Friendships are all about connection. Some of my best friends are people I don’t see or talk to for a while but we have an infallible connection. – Rosco, 20
Some names have been changed.
